Documenting the Death of the Dumb Telephone – Part 5: Touch-heavy

 

"U can't touch this" Source
“U can’t touch this”[4] Source
“Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me. I wanna be dirty.”[1] — Love, Your Dumb Phone

It’s not a problem with a dirty touch screen; that would be a stretch for an entire post. It’s a problem with the dirty power[2]: perhaps an even farther stretch. But, “I’m cold on a mission, so pull on back,”[4] and stretch yourself for a moment because your phone won’t stretch for you.

We’re constantly trying to stretch the battery life of our phones, but the phones keep demanding to be touched, which drains the battery. Phones have this “dirty power” over us, but maybe there are also some “spikes” in the power management of these dumb devices. The greatest feature is also the greatest flaw in the device. It is the fact that it has to be touched in order to react. Does it even react in the most effective way? What indication is there to let you know how the phone has been touched? Do the phone reduce the amount of touches in order so save battery power? If it is not smart enough to do so, then maybe it shouldn’t have a touch screen at all!

Auto-brightness. “Can’t touch this.”[4]
Lock screen. “Can’t touch this.”[4]
Phone clock. “Can’t touch this.”[4]

Yes, your phone has these things, but they never seem to work at the right time. Never mind that I have to turn on the screen to check the time. These things currently seem to follow one set of rules instead of knowing when to activate. So when you “move slide your rump,”[4] you still end up with the infamous butt dial, and the “Dammit, Janet![1] My battery is about to die” situation.

There are already developments in these areas, which indicate that the dumb phone is truly on its last legs. “So wave your hands in the air.”[4] But, seriously, let’s reduce the number of touches, “get your face off the screen”[3] and live your life.

“Stop. Hammer time!”[4]

sop

[1] Song by Richard O’Brien
[2] Fartbarf is fun.
[3] Randall RossCommunity Leadership Summit 2014
[4] Excessively touched on “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer

2 thoughts on “Documenting the Death of the Dumb Telephone – Part 5: Touch-heavy

  1. Love it! I’m especially annoyed but the power-sucking nature of the dumb phones.

    By the way, Fartbarf is fun!

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